Shattered Dreams
by essentialcatalyst
Summary: New Neville's explanation: "Stay.- Hermione did love them, seven years of tradegy and loss pushed them together. One dream would tear them apart. Snape can’t help but wonder how it might have been if he had called her Hermione just once.
1. Hermione's Leaving

Disclaimer: I own nothing, at all, anywhere.  
  
A/N: So I wrote this because I got really depressed and had to write something.  
  
~*~  
  
She watched them grow through the years. She stood by and watched them break hearts and conquer women. She was with them when he-who-must-not-be-named was killed. And she had helped.   
  
She had helped them with everything.  
  
Homework.  
  
Girls.  
  
Pranks.  
  
Everything.  
  
That's what friends did. That's what she was expected to do. Now that it was over, it wasn't for them. They'd move into a flat together. The Dream Team would always be together.  
  
She had dreams, dreams which they weren't included in. Those dreams were bleak memories that sometimes replayed in her mind. Things that might have been. Things that would never be.  
  
One dream had lasted through it all. One dream had survived despite what they thought. Not that she ever told them this dream, they crushed the others. Most of the time unwittingly, some of the time in spite of the fact that they knew what they what they were doing.   
  
She feared they knew this one. The one.  
  
It seemed like they knew. The way they pulled her with them, into a life of false freedom. To be with them always, to be loved by them always.   
  
They were a family. She their sister, them her brothers. Or so it seemed. She did love them, seven years of tragedy and loss pushed them together. One dream would tear them apart.  
  
But she couldn't give up this dream, not for them. Not for anyone.  
  
The term ended today. She knew leaving with them would lead her off to unknown territory, never to come back this way again. You see, she would get caught up in her ruse and live out the life they thought she should.   
  
God, she didn't want to leave with them. She didn't want to leave him, her dream, behind.  
  
A small voice told her, "Be strong, stay. Do something for yourself for a change."  
  
She wanted to listen to this voice.  
  
And maybe that was the problem. Maybe the fact was that she didn't love them enough to give up the thing she desired. Maybe it was all just a ruse made up to seem exceptable. And maybe it hurt, it hurt to know this much. It hurt to know her dreams were being crushed by her friends.  
  
But she'd leave with them, and always wonder what could have been. Yes, she'd leave behind everything she wanted. For them. You see, she had to, she had to keep up this ruse, it was all she had. It was certain and real.   
  
What she could have had was not. It was unsure, it was too much to ask for. It was everything she wanted. It was her dream and the reason she lived. But it was not what she had, it was what she would never have. And it still hurt.   
  
It still hurt.   
  
She couldn't just stay, because if it all failed she would have nothing. No friends, no reason to live.   
  
He was her reason, he was her everything. But if he found that out, he wouldn't feel the same and her dream would be gone.   
  
Forever.   
  
She would be humililated.   
  
She wouldn't be humiliated.  
  
She wouldn't cry, that would mean they won. The Gods who put her up to this, the Gods who tore her down. They wouldn't win!  
  
She took at deep breath, she would do this. She would show them all, show them she didn't need to freely love anyone. She would show them.  
  
It was over.   
  
The graduation.   
  
The ceremony.   
  
The party.   
  
The lunch.   
  
It was all over, this was the last chance to say goodbye.   
  
He was there, of course he was there, not for her though. Never for her. She watched him. She always watched him.   
  
He must have noticed someone's eyes on him. He scanned the room, eyes locking on her's.   
  
I want you.  
  
I need you.  
  
I love you.  
  
She wanted to scream this at the top of her lungs, caution be damned. Instead she looked away, at her friends who laughed at something someone else said. They always laughed. She briefly wondered if they cared about her. If they did, they would accept what she had to tell them.   
  
A little voice screamed, "If you cared about them, you would tell them."  
  
An arm slowly wrapped it's self around her waist, pulling her close.   
  
If she cared she would tell him she didn't love him. That he had mistaken pity for like, and self-loathing for love.   
  
A silky voice invaded her thoughts, "Congratulations Miss Granger."  
  
She turned to acknowledge him. Him. She ignored the looks of hatred her friends were sending his way, she also ignored the protective tightening of her lover's arm. She gave him a brief nod, not trusting herself to speak. It was her last chance. Her last chance at freedom, at love.   
  
He must of noticed something was wrong, for he raised a single brow. She looked away, she had to look away.  
  
It was all suddenly too real. It was too clear just what they were asking her to give up by stepping on the train and leaving. Some might argue she could come back, but the truth was she wouldn't. Once she left, she left. Life would take her on a roller coaster ride to who knows where.   
  
She knew this.  
  
She hated this.  
  
Her mind was screaming at her to make a confession, to someone, to anyone.   
  
Her body guards left her alone to go talk to Albus, she silently thanked God. Running a hand over her face she sighed. It hurt to breath.   
  
She swallowed and tried to blink away the tears she knew were going to fall. Her heart was pounding out a desperate message of hope. She couldn't think. Good, she didn't want to think.  
  
A hand touched her shoulder, resisting the urge to snap at who ever it was she turned toward the owner of the body.  
  
Him.  
  
Surprise must have been clearly written across her face. "Is everything allright Miss Granger?"   
  
She blinked, he sounded concerned, he looked concerned. She was losing her mind. That was the only explanation. She had wished for this for so long she was finally hallucinating.  
  
"Miss Granger?" His head was tilted to the right with slightly a confused expression painted on his face.   
  
She blinked once again. "I..." she tried to clear her head by shaking it. It didn't work.  
  
That annoying little voice was back, "Tell him! For the love of God tell the man!"  
  
"You what Miss Granger?" Confusion was quickly turned to annoyance it seemed.  
  
"I..." nothing more would come out.  
  
He shook his head, "Goodbye Miss Granger."  
  
A tear slowly made it's way down her cheek, so this was letting go? This was having your dream crushed into a thousand pieces, each able to cut your very soul. She wondered if people ever died of the loss of one's soul.  
  
Her friends were back, the fimiliar feeling of an arm securely holding her next to him was also there. "'Mione it's time to go."   
  
She gave a them a quick nod, "I'll be there in a few minutes." They smiled and nodded, leaving her and him alone once again.  
  
Next she did something that surprised them both. She reached forward and wrapped her arms around his neck and hugged him. As she hugged him she kept her eyes squeezed shut with her head buried in his robes. She was surprised even more when she felt his arms move to encircle her waist, pulling her closer to his body.   
  
She knew people were watching them, gaping at them most likely. But for a moment it didn't matter. It didn't matter that he was more then twice her age. It didn't matter that she had a lover. It didn't matter what anyone else thought. All that mattered was them.  
  
But as moments tend to do this one ended.   
  
She lowered her arms and he released her from his grasped. She suddenly felt cold. Chilled to the very bone. She couldn't bring her gaze to meet his, so instead she focused on the ground, "Goodbye Professor Snape."  
  
She bit her lower lip so hard it began to bleed as she walked away. To her real life, the one that she had to go back to because it was all she knew. She couldn't accuse anyone of destroying this dream, no, she had done that all by herself.  
  
~*~  
  
A/N: Does she really leave? Is it really over? Does Snape feel the same way? What the hell was I talking about? Who knows? I do! And if you want to know review and tell me. Flames are acceptable, although happy messages are better. Oh yeah, thanks are in order to my beta 'cause... yeah... just thanks. 


	2. Snape's Wondering

Dislcaimer: If I wrote Harry Potter it would have sucked and made no money. So yeah, don't sue or anything because I have no money.  
  
Before you read further: This begins at the graduation and follows Snapes thoughts through what I had previously wrote. Also, should I end the story here? Review with your answer please.  
  
~*~  
  
She gave a speech at graduation. It touched a variety of subjects: life, war, college, friends, families and lost chances. It was funny how she looked toward you when she said the last thought.   
  
You remember the moment this "thing" began. October 14 she stood inside the frame of your door, leaning against it. Arms wrapped tightly around her body, head resting gently on the hard wood. You felt her presence long before she realized yours.   
  
It surprised you when she didn't run away as soon as she noticed you. You doubt she could have though; she looked so tired, so defeated.   
  
Voldemort was still very much alive at this point and gaining more power every day. She, Potter, and Weasley had been training everyday after classes to prepare for the final battle. You wondered how they lasted this long.   
  
You don't exactly know why she came to your classroom that day. There were plenty of people who she could have turned to. But she came to you.  
  
The ass hole in you didn't yet realize what your heart was telling you. "Miss Granger are you going to block my doorway for much longer?" You made her sound like a burden  
  
She looked surprised at the sudden sound. She surveyed the room before allowing her eyes to rest on you. You thought she was going to run away.   
  
She didn't.  
  
To your surprise she entered the room, walking slowly, and sat at her usual desk. She extended a shaking hand, running it along the wood she sighed. "Tell me it will all be worth it in the end."  
  
You're confused, "Of course it will be worth it you silly girl." You shouldn't have said this, you realize this afterwards. She wasn't a girl any more than you were a boy.  
  
Thankfully, she continued as if she hadn't heard you, "Tell me all the lives of our loved ones will be worth it. Tell me all the lies and deceit were needed." She paused and raised haunted eyes to meet yours, "Tell me the lose of our innocence is worth killing him."  
  
You've recovered by now and you heart's breaking for her. She knows you are a spy of course, but if that's what she was referring to when she said the lie, you don't know.   
  
You never find out.   
  
The ass in you rears it's head once more, "How very Un-Gryffindor of you Miss Granger."  
  
She does leave this time. Surprisingly it hurts. That's never a good sign.  
  
Days later the battle comes. You try to look after her during the battle, begging the Gods will allow her to survive so you can explain yourself.  
  
After the battle she did survive, but you never told her anything. If possible you became even more of an ass toward her and she never did come to your door again.   
  
You can't help but wonder how it might have been if you had called her Hermione just once.  
  
You are now wandering around the ceremony. You notice her with her lover, Neville, and body guards, Potter and Weasley. You glare. When he touches her you wish his dead. No. You wish him dismembered slowly.   
  
He does not deserve her. He's stupid and has no future. Of course, you admit, you don't deserve her either.   
  
She's leaving after the party is over. Of course she's leaving, schools over you fool! It's too late.  
  
You walk up to her anyways, hoping she'll the the one who says something. She doesn't say anything, just nods at your congratulations.  
  
You can tell something's wrong. You see a familiar look in her eyes, fear. Fear for what, you don't know. You want to tell her everything will be allright. That she can stay if she wants to. That you think you could love her. That you do love her.   
  
You ask if she's all right but she can't seem to formulate a proper response to your question. You get annoyed as she stutters, at yourself mostly for waiting too long.   
  
So, instead of being the bigger person you walk away.  
  
Suddenly she grabs you and hugs you tightly. You stiffen momentarily, but soon relax and hug her fiercely.   
  
You think she's staying. You think she loves you. You think, "Goodbye Professor."   
  
You stop thinking.  
  
She's really leaving. You can tell she doesn't want to, but she is.   
  
Now it's too late to call her Hermione.  
  
~*~  
  
A/N: Sorry it took me so long to write this. I meant to write it sooner, but I never got the idea until 5 this morning. So what'd you think? Was it horrible? Is this the end? *shrugs* could be, if you want a happy ending review and tell me so and I'll write one. 


	3. Neville's Explanation

Disclaimer: I still don't own anything. 

Neville

I'm not stupid, despite what others may whisper in potions, I'm really not. I don't know why she choose to be with me, all I know is that when she showed up in the tower last October crying and shaking uncontrollably I had to save her.

She couldn't breathe, she just kept rocking back and forth begging for something I didn't think I could give any body, especially not her.

A reason.

It was simple really, she just needed one reason to try harder, to work more and to win this war. Just one reason that was hers and hers alone. She had plenty of shared reasons of course. Friends, family, the school, Gryffindor pride, revenge, love, but not one that she alone could treasure, could use in her moment of weakness.

She only had one of those moments and I had foolishly believed that I was the only one to see her. And lord did I see her. I feel in love with her that night, the night I learned that she wasn't as perfect as everyone thought, the night I finally felt needed.

It was just days before the final battle.

The battle.

The end.

God, it came too soon. She, Harry and Ron had all been going insane with worry, paranoid that the enemy might strike any moment. It's funny how everything begins with moments. Looking back it would have been in he-who-must-not-be-named interests to hold out a few more months because they wouldn't have been able to fight then.

It was too much for them to handle.

Alone.

Together.

Apart.

It was tearing them apart slowly, it was ripping and shredding all the patience the boys had ever had for her bossiness and it was breaking the heart she had given to them.

Her boys.

Her everything.

They were destroying her with their selfish behavior and constant arguing and yelling. They were mad at everything, at nothing, at her, at themselves and she felt her reasons fading to black.

Back to the moment.

In between her wrenched breaths she asked if it was worth it. If everything they, her and her boys, were giving up would be worth it in the end.

And that's when I did the only thing I could for the war, for the light.

I lied.

She needed to be reassured it would be okay. That's all I did, I just said, "Everything will be all right in the end Hermione, I swear it."

And then we went to hell. The battle was… indescribable. We had all thought the Headmaster would use us students in the war, to win, it was an unspoken agreement.

We were wrong.

In the end it came down to the Golden Trio, the Dream Team, it came down to three teenagers.

It's a wonder we won.

Sometimes I see her looking over her shoulder or I notice her eyes focused on something behind me and I know she can't quite believe it's over. It's been close to seven months now and there's still fear hidden in her eyes.

Not that she isn't happy, she is. She tells me this, she insists that her life hasn't been better.

That's what breaks my heart, that this is the best it's been for her.

There's so many questions I want to ask her but never do.

Does that X across your chest hurt?

What did that letter from United Witches and Wizards say?

Who did you turn to first last October?

Do you think about your father much?

Do you love me?

I'm afraid of her answers, it's so easy to just believe her smiles and rolling eyes.

She'd make a fine actress.

She wakes up screaming sometimes and yet this is the happiest time for her.

"I'm happy," she says, eyes clouded over with something I can't describe.

I can't judge her though, she grew up during a war. We all did, but with her and her boys it was different.

They were the war.

Do you regret being their friends Hermione?

Her graduation speech was beautiful, she was beautiful.

She graduated top of our class to no one's surprise and everyone's delight.

They're going to get a flat together, the Dream Team will never be separated, she wants them to be though. It's the little things that show this isn't where her heart is.

Her eyes following his every move.

"Lost chances."

Whispers in her sleep of a name that isn't mine.

The way her shoulders tense when Ron and Harry talk about the future.

The way they slouch in defeat when they grab her and hug her tight, knowing they almost lost her.

Knowing they did loose her.

We're going to leave Hogwarts, we're at the train station and I think maybe everything will work out. Then he shows up.

The person who's name she whispers.

I don't pretend to know why she choose him of all the people.

I want to hold her tighter, to pull her against me and never let her go. But she tenses and Ron, Harry and I go to speak to the Headmaster.

When I look back over she's hugging him more fiercely then she has ever hugged me.

Another moment I won't forget. The moment I let her go.

She lets him go and walks back towards us.

Toward her future.

Toward her death.

Toward her boys.

I grab their arms and begin pulling them to the train. Both of their mouths are open wide, gaping at Hermione. I continue pulling them, pushing them on to the train.

The get on still confused. I'll explain how she whispers his name, how she searches for him in every room she enters, how she relaxes when she finds him.

I'll explain how she tenses when her eyes meet ours, how she cringes when we talk of a future we didn't ask if she wanted.

I'll explain what they already know. What they're afraid to admit.

They lost her.

She's still following, about to step up into the door.

I block the entrance.

I love her.

Our eyes meet.

She deserves someone who'll ask her the questions I was too afraid to ask.

Someone to make the screams go away.

Someone who doesn't make her tense.

"Stay."

It's a whisper.

It's a shout.

It's a second chance for someone who deserves it most.

I love her, I really do.

A/N: So I bet most of you thought I'd never get around to writing this chapter. I never thought I would either, it just kind of came to me last night so I thought, what the hell, might as well put it up. Do you like? I tried making it semi-happy. I'm thinking about writing this from Harry and Ron's perspective, maybe let you all in on what happened during the final battle. Any ideas?


End file.
